Cyborg (1989) An Apocalyptic Turnip Where JCVD & Me Took One For The Team

Cyborg (1989) jean-claude van damme sci-fi action 80s vhs cassette cover case

Day 12 Cyborg from 1989

Tagline –He’s the First Hero of the 21st Century…And He’s Our Only Hope.

Who’s our hero today?
You telling me Timecop Jean-Claude Van Damme had the chance to erase this post-apocalyptic film from his resume but declined to do so? I guess the time paradox of meeting himself was just too dangerous. Unfortunately for us his character Gibson Rickenbacker and this sci-fi turkey got to stay in reality!

Had I seen this one on VHS back in the day?
Would you believe me if I said yes? And that I put myself through pure hell, again, to watch it for you good folk. Yep I took one for the team. The reality is I do remember renting it but either by good judgement I had hot wired my brain into the circuit board of a toaster and fried the film my memory cortex. Or possibly my young self got 5 minutes in and said “sod this piece of shite” and flipped in another tape. Going all rogue and refusing to even rewind it!

Quick plot run down.
In a post apocalypse New York City ravaged by plague and infested with murderous gangs. A lone female cyborg has vital information for a cure for the plague. Needing to cross the wastelands of the America she needs the help of a “Slinger” to get her to the safety of the scientific facility.

Cyborg (1989) jean-claude van damme sci-fi action 80s knife in mouth fight ready jcvd

Does the hero have a day job?
Gibson is now a Slinger. A sort of hired gunslinger.

What’s our heroes special skills?
A long side his amazing acting skills, he has the ability to continuously roundhouse kick.

Heroes weapon of choice?
Some kind of home made four shooter rifle, knife and his special surprise quick release shoe blade.

Heroes drink of choice?
I would guess liquid cheese!

Does hero have a sidekick?
He gets saddled with Nady Simmons (Deborah Richter) who never listens to Gibson’s safety tips and constantly wanders into danger. Which means he has to keep spinning round, kicking baddies in the head.

Cyborg (1989) jean-claude van damme sci-fi action Nady Simmons (Deborah Richter) side kick

Hot girl? Damsel in distress or ass kicker?
Pearl Prophet (Dayle Haddon) is the cyborg filled with the promise of curing the plague within her circuitry. She’s been captured by a wild bunch of murderous pirates. Their leader decides to take her to her destination with the intention to kill everyone there.

Who’s the main baddie?
Fender Tremolo (Vincent Klyn). Imagine if Jason Momoa had hit hard times, taken up a crack habit and really let himself go. Fender is completely psychotic. Spends his time cutting off heads with his dagger and walking in slow-mo. He commands a gang of cyberpunks wearing the most ludicrous outfits.

Cyborg (1989) Fender Tremolo (Vincent Klyn) pirate gang fire flames JCVD 80s action movie

Baddies special skills?
Showing off his twinkly sky blue contact lenses and dressing up like a demented medieval knight. He likes to scream, shout and kill. He’s happy being king of the plague infested urban dump. He doesn’t wish to go back to the old happier ways. He’ll do whatever it takes to stop the cure from being delivered other than actually kill the cyborg with it, the dozy twonk!

Psycho baddies rating out of ten? 9/10
Wears contacts and shouts “Fffffucker!

Heroes balls of steel and anger ratings out of ten? 9/10
Gibson so hardcore he can be crucified with arrows punched through his wrists left to die for days. Then smash his way through the wooden mast, mend his wounds and turn up to fight the next day as fresh as a daisy.

Cyborg (1989) Pearl Prophet (Dayle Haddon) is the cyborg JCVD

Surely it features a training montage scene?
Not what I can remember but there is a completely unnecessary scene of Pearl Prophet deciding to make herself into a Cyborg. Resulting in close up surgery of her eyeballs being replaced.

Does it feature an impossible mission?
Yep it did! Somehow I managed to crawl through the hot fondue filled trenches to make it to the end! I should be awarded a medal for my services to film-land.

Does the hero get a chance to show off their muscles?
Gibson takes his top off after a bit of skinny dipping showing off his scarred muscles. Then has his confidence knocked when he’s told how he looks. “You’re just like a walking wound!

Will I be needing to pause the video player? AKA are there any boobies?
The film is so bad that seeing Deborah Richter strip off revealing a lovely bottom as she goes skinny dipping in the ocean is a much deserved reward for enduring this monstrosity. I’m certain Miss Richter could feel our pain so she pops her puppies out for a quick glimpse. We thank you Deborah for your wonderful service.

Sex scene?
Gibson is too much of a gentleman to have any lady action on the toxic wasteland sand dunes even when it’s offered to him after a little skinny dip.

Any good totally random surprise scenes?
Well not a scene but a shocking discovery. Please stop reading now if you are easily triggered! …. In production right now is ….. Cyborg Nemesis: The Dark Rift! WTF

Cyborg (1989) Fender Tremolo (Vincent Klyn) Jean-Claude Van Damme Gibson fight in rain

Films body count? Low/Medium/High
So many people are chopped down. So many in fact that they come back for seconds? The budget was so low that Fenders gang keep using the same actors over and over again.

Innocent baddie death rate?
No, all these psycho pirates deserved to die.

Explosion ratio? Low/Medium/High?
One I think? Though it might of been my brain exploding.

How many stuntmen probably really died making this film?
I wouldn’t be surprised if at least a few actually committed suicide to be set free from this project. Director –Damn it! not another one? They could at least let me know so I can set the camera up ffs!

Any cool car chases?
No cars but Gibson and Nady do chase a boat across the seas on foot and still somehow keep up with it!

Cyborg (1989) jean-claude van damme sci-fi action 80s kicking ass

Best lines
Go to hell!Fender replies “Been there.“. Yep I know that feeling! I went to movie hell last night!

Any other familiar faces and actors pop up?
Vincent Klyn (Fender) I read was a world class surfer during the 80s. And you may recall his face giving Keanu Reeves a hard time in Point Break (1991) as a character called Warchild…… And Dayle Haddon made a few films with a saucy nature and one with a notorious title we’d giggle about at school. Spermula (1976) Where Dayle played Spermula sent from the future to neuter the male population with her seductive powers and to conquer Earth! No I never saw it but remember the cover.

Random factoid.
Lots of the characters are named after guitar amps, Gibson, Fender, Marshall, Pearl, Simmons, Furman etc.

Production Credits
Cyborg is directed by Albert Pyun who has made many a cheesy film. Especially cult favs for Full Moon Entertainment like Dollman. Incidentally there’s a character called Brick Bardo in Cyborg which is Dollman’s name. Albert Pyun also wrote Cyborg going under the alias Kitty Chalmers.

Cyborg looks like it cost 50 dollars to make and in reality it is said to have been 500 thousand dollars, which for a sci-fi film is still peanuts. The film also gets called Master Of The Universe 2: Cyborg after it used the ready made conceived costumes from that project as the debt collectors were knocking on the door. Cyborg would be one of the final movies produced by Cannon producers Golan and Globus.

Cheese-O-Meter! Low/Medium/High?
If the meter went higher I would certainly crank it right up. This goes right up to maximum. Mega cheese of the highest order.

IMDB score rating – 5.1/10

Wolfman ACTION & FUN rating – 6/10

Wolfman over all film rating – 3.5/10

Closing thoughts………………………………………….
If you sped up all the slow-mo scenes, literally half the film, the run-time would be cut in half. Obviously that’s why they slowed it all down, they didn’t have any story or plot to fill the time up. Hopefully everything else I revisit will be of a better caliber than this one. All was not lost mind as I did kinda enjoy seeing the mess. Does make you think JCVD dodged a bullet, imagine if Cyborg was his last film? No Timecop? Nooooooooooo…….. hehe, I joke.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts on the films if you want but please don’t feel you need to as I know it’s pretty relentless this month. However, most important, have fun with the movies.

Keep it filmy…. Mikey Wolf.

9 thoughts on “Cyborg (1989) An Apocalyptic Turnip Where JCVD & Me Took One For The Team

  1. You really DID take one for the team this time!

    Imagine being a FULL TIME movie critic for a major newspaper or tv network. You would have to sit through literally truckloads of waste, slop and swill. Those guys deserve a better life!

    Was there more cinematic waste, slop and swill around in the 80’s compared to now? That is the million dollar question…

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s really bad. Big laugh on the “those guys deserve a better life!” even bigger laugh on the “literally truckloads of waste, slop and swill.” too funny.
      I honestly think that million dollar slop question swills to the now. Yeah they might make a couple of excellent films but 99% of Netflix and Amazon films are unbelievable pieces of shit. The sad thing is they should know better and even worse it’s our sub paid money they waste on the mountains of crud. So Cyborg vs 6 Underground = no score draw! Even though one cost 150 million and the other 50 dollars and 10 cents LOL

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This one I’ve avoided since my VHS days but would you believe a couple years ago I watched Cyborg 2. Easily ranks as one of Jack palances worst films and must be Angelina Jolie’s. Still you might have reason to pause the video player. Must be something in the air. I just revisited Van Dammage in Lionheart. That was kind of fun .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, I guess I’ll be skipping this JCVD effort…and with no Mia Sara anywhere, I guess I’ll DEFINITELY be skipping it.

    Looking at Van Damme’s IMDb listing, I tried to decide what my favorite of his films is, based on the handful I’ve seen. And the winner is…well, if we DON’T include either of the Expendable films, than I have no idea what my favorite would be. I’ve seen a bunch, but remember nothing about them. NOTHING. Well, except for Sudden Death, so I guess that one wins by default, even though I thought it was ridiculous.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In an ironic paradox turn! Jean-Claude Van Damme best film IMHO is JCVD (2008) where he plays himself. He gets caught up in a robbery with hostages and thinks back on his life. Had a surreal element to it. I remember really liking it at the time.
      I think Bloodsport (1988) could be way up there, though I haven’t seen it in years.
      Yeah no Mia just makes watching any of them kinda of pointless hehe.
      “Sudden Death wins by default”. Oh my, I can’t completely recall it but hehe it was ridiculous.

      Liked by 1 person

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