Cemetery Man (1994) Madness Zombies Sex Rupert Everett And Anna Falchi

Francesco Dellamorte –My name is Francesco Dellamorte. Weird name, isn’t it? Francis Of Death. Saint Francis Of Death. I often thought of having it changed. André Dellamorte would be nicer, for example.

Dellamorte Dellamore is it’s original Italian name. It’s translates to “Of the death of love“. The English title is Cemetery Man. Straight to the point. Rupert Everett plays Francesco Dellamorte. Francesco is a cemetery man. A tired looking chiseled faced man who looks somewhat crossed between a public school boy, a down on his luck catwalk model and a depressed lothario. Francesco is the caretaker of a small village cemetery with the words “Resurrecturis” inscribed over the Gothic gated entrance. Not the words you need written over a graveyard! “For those who will rise again“.

Luckily he has a trusty sidekick to keep him company. His Igor.

Francesco Dellamorte –Poor Gnaghi. He has a real passion for dead leaves. Can’t stand it when the wind blows them away. Oh, well. We all do what we can not to think about life.

Gnaghi (François Hadji-Lazaro) is a strange, mute, rotund bald blob of a man. His round face is filled with a childlike innocent bewilderment mixed with a strong undercurrent of perverse wonderment. Dribbling with desire and covered in the droppings of overfilled spaghetti bowls. Gnaghi lives in the dark recesses of the dank basement with only his television for company. He seems happy. The light and shadows of Francesco’s movements flicker through the gaps in the floor boards. When he’s not impeded by his stupidness he is a loyal help to his friend. Digging graves, cooking buckets of gruel and fetching their trusty revolver when the night time zombies arrive!

Tagline! – Zombies, guns, and sex, OH MY!!!

Yep ZOMBIES! For the dead are buried and then rise again a few days later. A slow decomposing mess. Creeping through the grave yard towards the house. Where light and life can be seen against the backdrop of tombstones and monumental death statues casting shadows through the cold night. Zombies filled with a desire to attack the twosome. The customary smash out the brains seems the tried and tested way to put the living dead out of their misery. But then there’s She and Francesco is falling in love….

She! She never has a name. Just She (Anna Falchi). A beautiful mix of Finnish & Italian. A sultry magnetic siren who’s ample charms bring men to their knees. She’s an enchantress, a seductress. However she’s not entirely interested in our gravedigger. On his first meeting with the bewitching beauty she is in mourning for the death of her geriatric lover. To help the widow grieve Francesco takes her to the crypt of her old husband. The cobwebbed catacombs are covered in the dust of hundreds of decaying skeletons. The lady does what any mourning widow would do right? Yep that’s right! Turn into a nympho and consummate your love for your dead husband on his tomb! She would be very hard to say no to! Francesco certainly wasn’t about to. In the grips of perfect ecstasy in a place so scary it would give most men the Fosbury Flop, She and Him go at it. Just at the eleventh hour the only coming to be had is coming back from the dead ZOMBIE husband.!! His parting gift to his love making widow is a gnash of his chomping dentures!!!!

Now things get a little weird. Hehe……

Is that another She? A She that has a fear?…….. A fear of, umm how do I say? Of upstanding manhood’s and them knocking on the door of the garden of delights! I’m sure that describes her difficult predicament. Well Francesco doesn’t mind. Rumours from the local town biker gang have been circulating that Francesco is impotent anyhow. But after his crypto facto bonking session surrounded by the undead we all know otherwise. But our lovestruck cemetery man is deliriously infatuated. He comes to the only solution there could be in a situation like that! Get it chopped off! Say what! Luckily his trusting doctor won’t go through with the act on his fine piece and instead fires injections in the naughty fellow to induce temporary impotence.

But still more madness is to be thrown before your eyes.

How about adding in a coach load of cub scouts, decapitations, the angel of death, massacres, vomit, a freaky looking homemade violin, beautiful boobies, more sex and….. phone books!! Add all that crazy to the nuts I mention above then add a bonkers end to the blender. The whole film is a mismatch of surreal, visual, offbeat, out of the park, imagination on an acid trip of black comedy and horror. Of course this will no doubt not be for everyone.. I liked it a lot. I’d stumbled drunk across it on telly back in the late 90s and have spent the last 20 plus years wishing to see to it again. Worth it? yes, recommend it? Well if you’re not too fazed by the madness above, then by all means delve right in my good friends. If you do, or you have seen it, please let me know what you thought of it HAHAHA 🙂

Dellamorte Dellamore / Cemetery Man is directed by Michele Soavi. It is based on a Gothic novel by comic book writer and novelist Tiziano Sclavi.

Francesco Dellamorte –I’m the watchman of the Buffalora Cemetery. I don’t know how the epidemic started. All I know is that some people, on the seventh night after their death, come back to life. I call them Returners, but frankly I can’t understand why they’re so anxious to return. The only way to get rid of them once and for all is to split their heads open. A spade’ll do it, but a dum-dum bullet is best. Is this the beginning of an invasion? Does it happen in all cemeteries? Or is Buffalora just an exception? Who knows? And in the end, who cares? I’m just doing my job.

9 thoughts on “Cemetery Man (1994) Madness Zombies Sex Rupert Everett And Anna Falchi

  1. Cemetery Man is before it’s time–like David Bowie was. It’s an outrageous mashup. I’m sure, back in the day, nobody knew what to make of it. It’s art house/ grindhouse. I’m writing like I’ve seen this movie, but I haven’t…just the impressions I get from reading your “kick A” review. I want to see this movie! I just searched my TV package for it…Nothing! Damn! I’m going to do my best to round this up. I may hate it–outrageous mashups aren’t usually my thing. They’re very hard to pull off. I’m being serious.
    Love this post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Its incredibly nuts and does go off the rails but it’s so surreal and dreamlike horror.
      I like the Bowie idea and yes it’s a art house/ grindhouse miss-mash with comedy and sleaze.
      Does this pull off the outrageous mashup? Yes I think so, the Italian setting and multi euro zone collection of actors give it an off the wall surreal weirdness. It’s a very hard one to recommend. It’s bonkers and I really like it. But it’s pretty f-cked up too.
      Thank Pam…….. All the best

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes. I’m the same way with Cobra, Motel Hell and Snake Eyes, all of which are overall bad films, but they have that certain somethin’, somethin’ that makes them intriguing to me. I like all of them more than I should. Cobra and Motel Hell are cult films, Snake Eyes?…I don’t think so. Cemetery Man sounds like that.

        Like

  2. What the hell, Mikey, have you gone off the deep end? Blimey! This looks like something straight out of the crazy drive-in ’70s, and at first I thought it was, until I realized Rupert Everett was in it. This sounds absolutely bonkers…I’m guessing my library WON’T have it on their shelves. I’ll just have to track down the Disney remake, I guess. And Anna Falchi…oh my!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mate you will fall in love with Miss Anna Falchi! She’s a real stunner. Cracking pair of Bristols. Was a little surprised and a little deflated when I checked boobpedia to find they had been enhanced. No bad thing. Long as they soft and your finger indentations pop straight out rather than strangely lingering there for 40 odd minutes, then all’s good.
      It’s certainly absolutely bonkers. It’s a real rollacoaster ride of NUTS. If it ever pops up on your travels I’d say give it a try. Even if it’s just for Miss Falchi and her two sweet puppies. Oh MY!

      Liked by 1 person

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