Christopher (Charlton Heston) is a king kong prat! He’s gifted a beautiful, intelligent, free spirited, buxom, mail order bride with only one real desire, to procreate! And all this moody plonker can worry about is sloppy seconds! He’s not a happy bunny at all, huffing and puffing, this primadonna has mood swings coming out his arse! Temper tantrums, door smashing, perfume throwing and he even proudly announces his skill at reframing from bedding his indigenous workers! He’s a total twonk.
I know now that it was irresponsible and reckless of me but it seemed the best way to introduce the Steven Spielberg classic shark movie Jaws to my two children Nyah (17) and Kofi (15). Getting both to help me in the garden they gave me that usual puzzled stare, the gaze of “what on earth is the mad man up to now?” as I placed the hosepipe through the back door and turned on the tap.
“Mum’s gonna go ballistic! like that time with the crazy rocket you made with 300 odd bottles of coke strapped together! Half the street was covered Dad” I look at them with a cheeky smile and started pumping up the dinghy! Then I remembered the window cleaning bill and the wasp invasion. “It was fun though wasn’t it?” I tentatively reply as I kept pumping air in the boat. “Put these on” as I throw them wetsuits, flippers and masks. They both look at each other somewhat perplexed “Oh no here we go again!”
As we squeezed into the dinghy in our gear, Kofi says the golden words without even knowing the quote “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.” I laugh excitedly “It cosy, hold on we’re getting ready“. Little did they know I had already filled a 100 gallon drum with water behind us. Reaching down I pulled the trigger on the water drum “Hold on tight the feature presentation is about to start“. With wild frenzied screams of pure hysteria we took off down the garden path, shooting down the stairs in through the kitchen back door.
With the fun gods looking after our journey we somehow made it into the kitchen in one piece. The cascade of water was pretty intense though it had mellowed as we hit the hallway, releasing our panicked faces to a calming smile. The torrent of water had caused an ebb and flow like tide which bopped us up and down. The hallway river had risen alarmingly to halfway up the door height but with a little maneuvering we popped in the lounge. Thinking ahead of time, I’d already hung everything from the ceiling, bags of popcorn and other snacks dangled from string and cans of drink floated around on mini boats. As I’d fixed the telly to the ceiling we could just mellow, grabbing the TV remote control I pressed play and the movie began as the dinghy slowly swirled around.
When the movie finished I looked over to see what they thought, still a little dazed they replied with two thumbs up and a smile. Just before they could say anything a figure walked up to the front door with a key! “OH shit it’s Mum home! Nooooo don’t open the door!“. As the tsunami of water was released out the door it caused an incredible whirlpool in the lounge. We tried to stay calm as the carnage erupted around us but it was an impossible task. Our uncontrollable petrified screams followed us as we burst out the door with a furious Louise joining us in the tiny dinghy, off down the road we went.
Massive respects goes out to Sir Todd over at his truly great movie site Cinema Monolith for inspiring me to revisit Jaws. He went positively Jaws bonkers, pop over and check his superb writings that shine his big love and affection for this classic movie. Yeah we all know the film but he unearths so much more than you can possibly imagine.
Have fun watching movies…. Mikey Wolf
PS Jaws was a success, both very much enjoyed the fishy tale with a bite. The batten has been passed on to the next generation. Till the next film.
I love the way Oliver Reed can go from the pure brute force anger filled badboy roles to lighthearted comedic sweet roles, Hannibal Brooks is by far the latter. Ollie plays reluctant soldier, Stephen ‘Hannibal’ Brooks, a captured prisoner of war, imprisoned at the Stalag VII-A camp near Munich. Brooks gets the chance to help out at the local zoo, feeding and shuffling poo, giant poo at that. The bringer of said big poo is Lucy the Elephant (Aida). Brooks is shocked by the sight of Lucy but it’s not long before the two become great friends. Lucy quickly warms to Brook’s sweet, calming nature and obeys every word he says. It’s not long before these two friends will be spending a lot of quality time together.
I believe it was sometime during the winter of 1980 that I received a call from director John Landis. It had been snowing but hadn’t settled, I sat on the sofa contemplating life. To be honest it had got a bit boring since running Bubba Zanetti and his Hellhounds out of town. It was a fierce battle, a fun battle but now the bad guys were quiet for now and I needed a distraction.
Been slowly introducing the classics to my two children and what better excuse is there than Father’s Day. Nothing beats family time, to me, than watching a movie I so loved as a teenager and hopefully passing on it’s “greatness” to another generation. Predator, Total Recall, Rambo, Aliens have all been unleashed on them but this time it’s John Carpenter’s The Thing and quite frankly this one is a freak show. Continue reading “The Thing (1982) Fathers Day AKA Freak The Kids Out Day”→
The adventures of Carl Kolchak (Darren McGavin) a Chicago newspaper reporter who investigates the strange, supernatural goings on in the dark of the night. One things for sure, if Kolchak’s in town then weird and mysterious things are not far away. Continue reading “Kolchak: The Night Stalker (1972)”→
Now I’ve known Larry for many years and even though he’s at least 2 generations my senior, the old boy can still party. Well last night we really went to town knocking back the whiskey and beers, spinnin records and chatting about life way into the late hour. Just as dawn was beginning to appear, Larry started slurring his words and on cue, the ramblings about the whole Creature From The Black Lagoon debacle had to be endured again. I smile, sit back and let him get it off his chest again, really how could I resist that gormless face? Continue reading “Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)”→
I had a nice surprise visit from my old friend Yohan the other day. Just popped on by for a catch up before heading off to one of the stars in the constellation of Orion. He’s a lovely guy but total germaphobe. Refuses point blank to take his spacesuit off. Luckily he has a small hole to sip cocktails through a straw but our conversation is awkward, just muffled sounds and consists mainly of smiles and thumbs up. Now I was just about to watch the classic 50’s science fiction film The Thing From Another World and he squeezed in next to me mumbling something along the lines of “those pesky carrot monsters are the bane of the galaxy”. Continue reading “The Thing from Another World (1951)”→
High concepts and low budgets. The King Of Kings, Lord of Lords of the B-Movie empire. From producing over 200 odd films and directing something like 50 movies Roger Corman is a God to independent film making. He is also credited to have given a helping hand to few novice “directors” in their early days. Four big ones at that, James Cameron, Martin Scorsese, Ron Howard and Francis Ford Coppola all learnt their craft in the deep end on Roger Corman projects. Continue reading “Roger Corman Interview With Marc Maron”→